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Leaked essay written by Beluga Whale, it regards the film "Cats"

“Cats”, directed by Tom Hooper, is the movie of our generation.

"Cats"without a doubt, a vessel for Jesus to teach us more lessons. A gift, nay, a PRIVILEGE of being human; this film (and the memes inspired by it) have changed my life. It tosses the Seven Wonders of the World aside shamefully. I was blind, a fool, before the guiding light of this movie embraced me in its furry grasp. I would call it a sequel to the Bible, but even that pales in comparison to this wonder. Pleasantries aside, Hooper and Universal have created what can only be described as a true masterpiece. An undiscovered relic of its time, he deserves every penny this movie earns and more.

The Soundtrack:

I truly can’t stress enough; this would bring Beethoven to tears. The multilayered jingles help lull the viewer into a sense of security and hospitality, before the sweeping soundtrack kicks in. I am not afraid to say it changed my perception of music in general. Everything else I listen to sounds grating, rough, unfinished now. The tunes are stuck in my head as I write, and even now my hands are trembling at the memory. Genius in its repetitive nature, it manages to fit an extremely dense and complex harmonic structure into such a short space of time, only heightened by a blissful instrumental texture.

  1. The Characters:

I cannot begin to describe how beautifully crafted these individuals are. Grizzabella, and of course the Ravishing Rum Tum Tugger himself, are all so accurately portrayed in this adaptation that I felt as though I were in the mind of Grizzabella herself. Every aspect from their design, to the dry wit of the Rum Tum Tugger, to the taught, toned body of Mr Mistoffelees were so expertly designed that I felt truly in the scene. I can’t even begin to imagine how many hours of motion capture were needed to accurately replicate the natural movements of the real world.

  1. The Setting:

The city skylines and dark steamy alleys put the Amazon and the Mojave to shame. I strongly believe that Disney would turn green with envy if they looked upon the cinematic imagery in this movie. I make no exaggeration when I say at first I believed I accidentally stumbled into heaven itself. The hyper-realistic graphics, all compounded on each other to create a truly perfect visual experience. This all complements the expertly crafted and placed scenery, locations and scenarios that canonically are easy to understand and only help to expand the already deep complex universe of Cats. After watching this movie, I now realize that our plane of existence is a mere shadow–a reflection–of the beauty of this film.

  1. The Plot:

I refuse to reveal much here, as this is best experienced firsthand. Expect many plot twists, extremely interesting sub plots and deception galore. I can’t begin to imagine a more complex and iterative story than what has been provided here. Keep tissues close by for this one!

  1. The Social Commentary:

Now a fair warning here, the film is not scared to delve into more controversial issues. Again I feel it’s best to experience this first hand, both for shock factor and to not reveal any of the numerous major plot points. I wouldn’t be surprised if society as a whole is rewritten in the mold of this gem. Go in with an open mind and there shouldn’t be too many problems here. Truly, a title for the intellectuals out there.

The only downside (if you can call it one) is that all other movies pale in comparison to this masterpiece. No matter what film I watch, I never get very far, as the best of them are mere puddles compared to the ocean that is the Cats movie. It is, by definition, our Magnum Opus, our crown jewel. I will live out the rest of my days knowing that there is nothing more for me on this earth. This movie is mankind’s single greatest achievement. All of human history has been leading up to this moment. Without a doubt, it is the pinnacle of thousands of years of human evolution. I can’t imagine what life was like before this film. Others can say they were alive to explore the world or the stars for the first time. We lucky few can say we were alive to explore Cats the movie.

All in all I would recommend this movie to everyone and anyone. It has managed to transcend genre, and even the title of “art” itself. I feel that it doesn’t even begin to cover the MASTERPIECE that is this film. I have never felt more human than when I viewed this classic. I am proud to nominate this film for the Movie of the year award and I highly urge you to do the same. A true thought consumer and tear jerker, I’m shocked it isn’t on sale for 100X its price.

10/10

1 Like

“Cats”, directed by Tom Hooper, is the movie of our generation.

"Cats"without a doubt, a vessel for Jesus to teach us more lessons. A gift, nay, a PRIVILEGE of being human; this film (and the memes inspired by it) have changed my life. It tosses the Seven Wonders of the World aside shamefully. I was blind, a fool, before the guiding light of this movie embraced me in its furry grasp. I would call it a sequel to the Bible, but even that pales in comparison to this wonder. Pleasantries aside, Hooper and Universal have created what can only be described as a true masterpiece. An undiscovered relic of its time, he deserves every penny this movie earns and more.

The Soundtrack:

I truly can’t stress enough; this would bring Beethoven to tears. The multilayered jingles help lull the viewer into a sense of security and hospitality, before the sweeping soundtrack kicks in. I am not afraid to say it changed my perception of music in general. Everything else I listen to sounds grating, rough, unfinished now. The tunes are stuck in my head as I write, and even now my hands are trembling at the memory. Genius in its repetitive nature, it manages to fit an extremely dense and complex harmonic structure into such a short space of time, only heightened by a blissful instrumental texture.

  1. The Characters:

I cannot begin to describe how beautifully crafted these individuals are. Grizzabella, and of course the Ravishing Rum Tum Tugger himself, are all so accurately portrayed in this adaptation that I felt as though I were in the mind of Grizzabella herself. Every aspect from their design, to the dry wit of the Rum Tum Tugger, to the taught, toned body of Mr Mistoffelees were so expertly designed that I felt truly in the scene. I can’t even begin to imagine how many hours of motion capture were needed to accurately replicate the natural movements of the real world.

  1. The Setting:

The city skylines and dark steamy alleys put the Amazon and the Mojave to shame. I strongly believe that Disney would turn green with envy if they looked upon the cinematic imagery in this movie. I make no exaggeration when I say at first I believed I accidentally stumbled into heaven itself. The hyper-realistic graphics, all compounded on each other to create a truly perfect visual experience. This all complements the expertly crafted and placed scenery, locations and scenarios that canonically are easy to understand and only help to expand the already deep complex universe of Cats. After watching this movie, I now realize that our plane of existence is a mere shadow–a reflection–of the beauty of this film.

  1. The Plot:

I refuse to reveal much here, as this is best experienced firsthand. Expect many plot twists, extremely interesting sub plots and deception galore. I can’t begin to imagine a more complex and iterative story than what has been provided here. Keep tissues close by for this one!

  1. The Social Commentary:

Now a fair warning here, the film is not scared to delve into more controversial issues. Again I feel it’s best to experience this first hand, both for shock factor and to not reveal any of the numerous major plot points. I wouldn’t be surprised if society as a whole is rewritten in the mold of this gem. Go in with an open mind and there shouldn’t be too many problems here. Truly, a title for the intellectuals out there.

The only downside (if you can call it one) is that all other movies pale in comparison to this masterpiece. No matter what film I watch, I never get very far, as the best of them are mere puddles compared to the ocean that is the Cats movie. It is, by definition, our Magnum Opus, our crown jewel. I will live out the rest of my days knowing that there is nothing more for me on this earth. This movie is mankind’s single greatest achievement. All of human history has been leading up to this moment. Without a doubt, it is the pinnacle of thousands of years of human evolution. I can’t imagine what life was like before this film. Others can say they were alive to explore the world or the stars for the first time. We lucky few can say we were alive to explore Cats the movie.

All in all I would recommend this movie to everyone and anyone. It has managed to transcend genre, and even the title of “art” itself. I feel that it doesn’t even begin to cover the MASTERPIECE that is this film. I have never felt more human than when I viewed this classic. I am proud to nominate this film for the Movie of the year award and I highly urge you to do the same. A true thought consumer and tear jerker, I’m shocked it isn’t on sale for 100X its price.

10/10

[2]

I not only feel cheated but I feel sexually violated and abused by you.